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#1 Know yourself, know your partner

Question - How do I know if I am in the right relationship or if I should move on?

This is something that a lot of women do struggle with, we wonder if we are actually in the right relationship or if we should just move on to something else that might be a little bit happier for us.

My answer in short is that you don’t know until you know certain things about yourself and until you know certain things about your partner.

There are three specific things that you need to know about yourself and your partner.

  1. Personality type – both yourself and your partners

  2. Conditioning – social or familial conditioning

  3. Values

Firstly, personality types, once you know your own as well as your partner’s personality types then you are able to understand why you’re communicating with each other in different ways and why you might find that each other’s communication style doesn’t actually work for the other person. This allows you to do something about it by leaning into the other person’s way of thinking a little bit and try and see it from their perspective rather than just your own. Knowing that we all think differently, look at things differently and communicate differently actually helps in understanding where you are each coming from. Without understanding each other’s wiring you can’t really make a decision whether or not the relationship is perfect for you or if something is better because you don’t know how to communicate what is important to you.

Secondly, the conditioning, so that’s familial or social condition, and until you know what your own familial conditioning is, until you are aware of your own wounds, and until you are aware of the wounds of your partner you can’t possibly make an informed decision about whether to stay in the relationship or not. Until you can start to extend a little bit of empathy towards yourself as well as your partner and stepping outside of the pain that you’re in and looking at a bigger picture and trying to understand why you are having these challenges in your relationship that you are having. You might have trust issues, your partner may have trust issues, are they because when you were growing up you couldn’t trust your parents? You couldn’t trust your siblings? You couldn’t trust people around you? Maybe it was a teacher? There is so many different ways that trust can be broken as a child, and if there is no innate trust within people, if you have two people coming together who both don’t trust people that’s a very volatile relationship and you have to understand that that’s what it is, and then take it from there.

Thirdly, values, do you know what your top values are? Do you know your top 5 values off the cuff,? If not, you need to work on that? Do you know what your partner’s top values are? Don’t guess what they are, ask them. Ask them to tell you what their top 5 values are and then start to look for ways to honor those values in a proactive way. So once you’re able to start to proactively honor and respect the other person’s values the relationship dynamic usually changes quite considerably. But until you know what your values are, both your own values and their values, you can’t possibly make a decision whether or not this is the right relationship for you because you might find out that you’ve been projecting your own values to the other person and by just finding out what their values actually are, you realize that this is exactly the kind of person you need to be with. Or if their values are violating your core values then perhaps it’s not the right person to be with. But you don’t get to project onto the other person what their values are, you have to ask them.

So there is a lot of homework here to be done. So until you know your personality type and the personality type of your partner, your conditioning as well as the conditioning of your partner, and your values as well as the values of your partner, you can’t actually make a decision about whether or not to stay in that relationship. So once you’ve worked on those feel free to come back to us and ask more specific questions and we will happily delve into it more then.

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