Quick Tips #22: How To Deal With Someone Who Has Hurt You
Question: “My fiancé recently broke up with me. We had been together for 5 years and I thought we were doing well. The break up came as a total surprise to me and the reason he gave me was that he just didn't want to have the life that we had planned anymore. I was really hurt, and I still am. We have a house together that we need to sell, so we are in regular contact. How do I deal with someone who has really hurt me, when all I want to do is get as far away as possible from him?”
I'm sorry to hear about your situation. Sometimes breakups happen but they're not always necessarily as bad as they feel in the moment.
What I mean by that is that there’s so much more to you than this pain that you're feeling right now. It's important to remember that you have a lot of value despite the rejection.
What is happening is that your inner children want to hide away from this situation, because they feel extremely hurt, violated and abandoned.
When you communicate with your ex-partner your grown-up processes need to be strong. These adult conversations need to be had from the grown-up parts of you, not from the inner child parts of you. When you communicate with him from your inner child parts, you will feel unsupported, more hurt and abandoned, and this will cause you even more pain.
It's important that when you are faced with adult decisions i.e. anything to do with your relationships, finances or work, they should be dealt with your grown-up processes, the adult self or the inner parent process.
You have these four people within you: In the front seat of the car you have the driver process and you have the co- pilot process. The driver process is your adult self and the co-pilot process is your inner parent. On the back seat, you have the little 10- and 3-year-old inner children.
To strengthen your grown-up processes, go onto www.personalityhacker.com and do your personality profile test there.
Through that test, you will find out your driver and co-pilot processes. One of them is an introverted process and the other an extroverted process. One of them is a decision-making process and one of them is an information gathering process.
Look at those processes and study the strengths and weaknesses of them as an individual entity, so that you can start strengthening and developing both your driver and your co-pilot processes.
Start with that and if you need some help with the inner parenting of your inner children, then come back to us, contact us at firstname.lastname@example.org and we will take it from there.
You can do this. I hope that helps.
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