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Quick Tips #23: Judging Other People

Question: “I often catch myself judging people and their choices. How can I be more compassionate towards them instead of judging?”

This is a great question, because it shows that you're willing to step outside of the drama triangle.

Whenever you see a person being inferior to you in anyway, that's when you know that you are on the drama triangle. So, we need to get you off that triangle.

The drama triangle is based on a triangular model, where at one corner of the triangle you have the persecutor, on one corner of the triangle you have to rescuer and at the very bottom corner of the triangle is the victim.

The persecutor is all about telling other people how things should be done and what's right or wrong.

The rescuer is all about helping other people by telling them what they should and should not do.

Both the persecutor and the rescuer need the victim in order to feel empowered.

When you judge people and their choices, you’re either on persecutor or rescuer space.

You feel superior to the person you perceive to be the victim.

The positive flip sides of these various different roles are:

  • Healthy persecutor becomes the challenger. Persecutor does everything because he feels under threat from the outside and he feels that the outside world is not safe. Whereas the challenger supports other people through difficulties by seeing other people as equals and capable.

  • Healthy rescuer becomes the coach. The coach sees everyone as equals whereas the rescuer feels like they're superior to other people. The coach can actually help a person who is feeling victimised to get out of that space and into their own strong self as creators, because:

  • The flip side of the victim is the creator.

Where in the drama triangle are you currently? When you judge people, are you a persecutor or a rescuer? And what is the flip side of that?

Start to develop your skills in either being a challenger or being a coach, so that you're no longer in that drama triangle where you feel like there’s somebody inferior to you.

See people as equals and know that they are on their own trajectory. And because their trajectory is probably different from yours, there's something for you to learn from their journey.

Ask yourself what can I learn from this person or what does this person know that I don't know.

By acknowledging that there are things that you don't know about the other person and why they're doing things in the way that they are, you can begin to develop a lot more compassion towards the other person.

But here's the twist:

You only lack compassion towards other people because you lack compassion for yourself.

You are the one who's feeling out of control. As a persecutor, you feel like you need to protect yourself. As a rescuer, you feel that you need to help others to have value.

Turn that mirror on to yourself and ask yourself where am I judging myself. Where do I feel that I'm not good enough and then attend to those needs of your inner children right now.

Ask your inner children how am I feeling right now and what do I need right now, and start giving those things to the inner children.

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